5 months since i graced you with this blog! you must have missed me so. for the neutral peering into my life you must wonder where iv'e been. what iv'e done. whats been achieved. and my stomach lurches when i think of the past 5 months. Nobody said it was easy. But noone ever said it would be this hard. Lets roll back the years and look at what went wrong for James Fabregas since 2005......
2005- great year with friends. school is great
2006- april. college starts. gcse summer. good times with crew. new beginnings too
2007- college first year v.good. college mates briers, camel, mogg woods. etc..
2008- second year college and uni. on reflection 2005 and 2008 were the best years of my life
July 2008- Achieved countless UCAS points
August 2008- Had a great summer with friends
September- December 2008- Started uni. brilliant times
December 2008- Home for christmas. realised i had neglected old family and friends
January- March 2009- uni going well socially, been to a handful of lectures
March 2009- darkness.... quit uni, family find out, become newly single, rising debt, take job at wickes back
Summer 2009- actually quite good, make it back a little, work at wickes, family ok, although not speaking with father, ends after messing about 2 nice girls (i blame this on my failed relationships)
August 2009- Rich dies. someone i was becoming friends with and we had big hopes to enjoy sheffield together. truly gutted
September 2009- start this blog! come to sheff with reece and phil for interview for marketing job. we have a knob night and throw baguettes around my room and i dont turn up to interview. but i am HAPPY
September 2009- get a job at DSG International on the phones. its not ideal. but the money saves me. i start to get fat from no exercise and bad food. meet daryl. good mate
Sept-Dec 2009- have some good nights out. see alot of phil early on
Christmas 2009- have a great time with family but am only home for 1 week due to work. never the less have a good time with mates on xmas eve
New Years- dramatic night sets scene for 10' . dissapointing start
January 2010- actually good. nights out with woods. dont see phil much now, hes loveshacked. im happpy for him but dissapointed he doesnt make more effort with me and woods. but i remember how i was at uni and realise its the same. im happy for him
February 2010- 12 for 14 month with reece! sunshine underground, drunk, lose job. fall back into debt. go on the dole for the first time ever. happy though
March 2010- and darkness finds me. get a job with BT. the money will save me.
March-April 2010 - Lose £400 gambling. i have pressed self destruct. everytime i get back to a good plance i capitulate. the weather is getting better and i just want to run.
i have gone backwards from 2008 and feel like i have no direction. at the moment im contemplating going back to uni. have been accepted at university of west england in bristol to study law and politics. but dont feel worthy. this year seems key ... strong enough to change?
unknown
April 2010- start buying some politics books. read article on book called "hector and the search for happiness" by francois lelord, buy it. read it in one night. this is what it taught me :
Lesson no.1: Making comparisons can spoil your happiness
Lesson no.2: Happiness often comes when least expected
Lesson no.3: Many people see happiness only in their future
Lesson no.4: Many people think that happiness comes only from having more money or more power
Lesson no.5: Sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story
Lesson no.6: Happpiness is a long walk in beautiful, unfamiliar mountains
Lesson no.7: It's a mistake to think that happiness is the goal
Lesson no.8: Happiness is being with the people you love
Lesson no.8b: Unhappiness is being seperated from the people you love
Lesson no.9: Happiness is knowing your family lacks for nothing
Lesson no.10: Happiness is doing a job you love
Lesson no.11: Happiness is having a home and a garden of your own
Lesson no.12: It's harder to be happy in a country run by bad people
Lesson no.13: Happiness is feeling useful to others
Lesson no.14: Happiness is to be loved for exactly who you are
Observation: People are kinder to a child who smiles (very important)
Lesson no.15: Happiness comes when you feel truly alive
Lesson no.16: Happiness is knowing how to celebrate
Lesson no.17: Happiness is caring about the happiness of those you love
Lesson no.18: The sun and the sea make everybody happy
These lessons are reinforced if you read the book. It gave me some perspective. This summer is the most important of my life. I need to be mentally prepared to go to Bristol. I have 10 days left to decide between staying in Sheffield and going to Hallam or chosing Bristol. I think if i don't take a leap of faith now i may never do it. I don't know who i am. I found out a little last time i went to uni. As James Joyce once said, "Mistakes are the portals of discovery."
I hope i make more progress in the next 5 months. Because thats how long i have before uni starts. I've got to do this. I know the biggest regret of my life will be not trying to be something great. Even if i try and i fail. Thats ok. I want to be a journalist or a teacher or a lawyer or someone who helps people. I need to take this chance. So... Don't let life pass you by. You are the only barrier to your dreams. Take care xx
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Friday, 16 October 2009
let the medlody shine, let it cleanse your mind, i feel free now
This week I watched the news a lot. My job allows me the luxury of sitting in front of a screen with BBCnews24 on for 8 hours each day. Some find the TV a teasing irritation. For me it is pure bliss. I have always revelled in current affairs, the stormy mix of political rowdiness and media hyperbole. Recently I have watched the news; and the many people who pass comment, and realised that a lot is wrong with society.
The moral compass has gone. The expenses row still shadows Westminster like a unmoveable smog. The authority of MP's to protect the interests of their constituents has all but diminished this Summer. Have the media made more of this story than it is? I don't think so. If anything; it has not made the news enough; with the divorce of Peter and Jordan taking up just as many column inches.
How can we wish for a better society when the very people we entrust on the top branch of the United Kingdom have failed us so spectacularly? They have dishonestly swindled money out of the taxpayer for their own selfish gain. Much else is wrong with UK politics right now. The layers and layers of bureaucracy and target managers that plague and strangle the public sector are infuriating. The policeman who sits in his station filling out forms for hours on end instead of protecting his citizens on the street; the hospital manager who spends hours analysing his ward chart and pressuring his staff to "wheel out" patients within 4 hours, the teacher too afraid to take their class on a school trip in case an accident happens and they are sued, the full time care worker who could work 10 less hours and get the same pay due to the failed government benefits system, the soldier in Afghanistan who didn't have the right equipment to keep him safe. These are the people politics are failing. And in the 21st century world there are no excuses and no hiding places.
The moral compass has gone. The expenses row still shadows Westminster like a unmoveable smog. The authority of MP's to protect the interests of their constituents has all but diminished this Summer. Have the media made more of this story than it is? I don't think so. If anything; it has not made the news enough; with the divorce of Peter and Jordan taking up just as many column inches.
How can we wish for a better society when the very people we entrust on the top branch of the United Kingdom have failed us so spectacularly? They have dishonestly swindled money out of the taxpayer for their own selfish gain. Much else is wrong with UK politics right now. The layers and layers of bureaucracy and target managers that plague and strangle the public sector are infuriating. The policeman who sits in his station filling out forms for hours on end instead of protecting his citizens on the street; the hospital manager who spends hours analysing his ward chart and pressuring his staff to "wheel out" patients within 4 hours, the teacher too afraid to take their class on a school trip in case an accident happens and they are sued, the full time care worker who could work 10 less hours and get the same pay due to the failed government benefits system, the soldier in Afghanistan who didn't have the right equipment to keep him safe. These are the people politics are failing. And in the 21st century world there are no excuses and no hiding places.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
the book of love...
I find it staggering how amazing the people in this world really are. Lets forget about those who aren't; for there are an incredible majority of selfless, touching examples of human beings. People who help others, people who help bind society together and create the very moral fibres i aspire to. Are these people born this way? With the mindset and mentality to be truly patient and wonderful with those around them? Or is it a nurtured talent, a talent which any of us are capable of. Perhaps thats not an answer id like to know.
The lust to become a better person has often nagged at my soul. A selfish guilt that i could give so much more. I am able bodied and have no obvious flaw to hold me back from helping others. I could easily volunteer abroad, work in a charity shop; or simple help out at a youth club. I could easily be nicer to many around me, many strangers, many people i cross each day at work. What prevents this from happening? A selfish and dirty greed. I feel like im getting better; i feel like i have a chance to change. This week saw some political speeches by two men of great importance to the future of this country. It reminded me that government have got it wrong recently. In fact in the past government have often got it wrong. These well educated men have jeopardised our flourishing nation. But they have always put it right. And this tiny island remains at the fore front of the world. I think i can learn from my bloated mistakes too.
And as for the fantastic and inspiring people i often meet and often see- thank you. For been yourself. For been true to yourself. Take a little hope, plant your seed and watch it grow. Goodnight
The lust to become a better person has often nagged at my soul. A selfish guilt that i could give so much more. I am able bodied and have no obvious flaw to hold me back from helping others. I could easily volunteer abroad, work in a charity shop; or simple help out at a youth club. I could easily be nicer to many around me, many strangers, many people i cross each day at work. What prevents this from happening? A selfish and dirty greed. I feel like im getting better; i feel like i have a chance to change. This week saw some political speeches by two men of great importance to the future of this country. It reminded me that government have got it wrong recently. In fact in the past government have often got it wrong. These well educated men have jeopardised our flourishing nation. But they have always put it right. And this tiny island remains at the fore front of the world. I think i can learn from my bloated mistakes too.
And as for the fantastic and inspiring people i often meet and often see- thank you. For been yourself. For been true to yourself. Take a little hope, plant your seed and watch it grow. Goodnight
Monday, 28 September 2009
and when it rains will you always find an escape? just running away from all the ones who love you, from everything
Its a funny old world. I often find myself uttering the words "what a difference a week makes". Hope can become glory, destruction becomes creation and solace can become heaven. From the ashes of my broken mind I have risen like a phoenix into a new and unknown beginning, setbacks have been frequent and problems are still ripe- but hope is more than ever and the light is invading the darkness. There is a spring air in the autumn sky and a damaged soul is showing signs of healing.
My job is becoming second nature, my routine becoming manageable and 2 wild nights out have shown me angels. Destiny has taken me to someone who looks like a former love. As i write this born slippy has just enriched the mood as my ipod shuffles to fates demands....
Good things happen to good people is a quote i live by. I still feel i can be so much better. And with that my life will become so much better. I am going to make a list of 5 principles i need to adhere to, 5 things i dearly want to change. And maybe if i listen to myself i can become who i need to be. Some people watch life go by, some people live for themselves, some people want to make a difference. Some people just want love. Im not sure if i can make a big difference, but if a million people made even a small difference, the world would be a better place
My job is becoming second nature, my routine becoming manageable and 2 wild nights out have shown me angels. Destiny has taken me to someone who looks like a former love. As i write this born slippy has just enriched the mood as my ipod shuffles to fates demands....
Good things happen to good people is a quote i live by. I still feel i can be so much better. And with that my life will become so much better. I am going to make a list of 5 principles i need to adhere to, 5 things i dearly want to change. And maybe if i listen to myself i can become who i need to be. Some people watch life go by, some people live for themselves, some people want to make a difference. Some people just want love. Im not sure if i can make a big difference, but if a million people made even a small difference, the world would be a better place
Monday, 21 September 2009
storybook romance
The month of September is one which i think i will always find special. It marks the beginning of the academic year- and with it the start of a brand new chapter for so many; from the pupils right down to the dinner ladies. New friends, fresh interests and unfamiliar surroundings are just some of the things thousands will embrace each September.
For many it is something to yearn for, an excitement like no other; for others it is the source of weeks of nervous and uneasy feelings. For me it is a contorted mixture of the two. Anxiousness mixed with a raw sense of expectation and hope. And it is hope that i am filled with on this 3rd week of September after such an uninviting beginning to this leaf soaked month suddenly lurched up. In my debt ridden, bloated life there is suddenly a field of daffodils filled with noise and cheers and smiles and sunshine and the saturdays and natasha. Whilst those things may be fantasy; the promise of change is real.
This afternoon i recieved a text from Macdonalds and a phone call from a recruitment agency. Both inviting me for interviews. At half past 8 tomorrow i will step onto the TransPenineExpress service to Manchester Airport and touch down in Sheffield in my primark suit with a new chance to start again. A job in a call centre is not exactly where i hoped id be in September 2009, but at £6.50 an hour it represents a good chance for me to clear my debts, clear my name and start again.
Maybe September 2010 will be the greatest yet.
For many it is something to yearn for, an excitement like no other; for others it is the source of weeks of nervous and uneasy feelings. For me it is a contorted mixture of the two. Anxiousness mixed with a raw sense of expectation and hope. And it is hope that i am filled with on this 3rd week of September after such an uninviting beginning to this leaf soaked month suddenly lurched up. In my debt ridden, bloated life there is suddenly a field of daffodils filled with noise and cheers and smiles and sunshine and the saturdays and natasha. Whilst those things may be fantasy; the promise of change is real.
This afternoon i recieved a text from Macdonalds and a phone call from a recruitment agency. Both inviting me for interviews. At half past 8 tomorrow i will step onto the TransPenineExpress service to Manchester Airport and touch down in Sheffield in my primark suit with a new chance to start again. A job in a call centre is not exactly where i hoped id be in September 2009, but at £6.50 an hour it represents a good chance for me to clear my debts, clear my name and start again.
Maybe September 2010 will be the greatest yet.
Saturday, 19 September 2009
golden archway
A fresh new morning and fresh new hope.
I am aware this blog is fastly becoming a self-centered, autobiographical diary of my life and thoughts rather than my views on the wider world. But if you just bare with me through the winter i think together we'll find the spring :)
Those fresh green shoots which slowly crawl through the soil to see the light. A metaphor i hope i can allure to. What a difference a day makes. Having applied for 10 jobs last night (one of which at macdonalds) and changing my desktop background to a picture of Brooke & Julian i suddenly feel 10 times better.
I am a great believer that those who try will succeed and that good things, eventually, will happen to good people. I have spent this morning trecking through the vast tangled and daunting jungle that some people call ucas.ac.uk. My quest to start the 2010 academic year at university is next on my agenda. My 2nd chance is within grasp and i intend to sieze it. I guess only time will tell
I am aware this blog is fastly becoming a self-centered, autobiographical diary of my life and thoughts rather than my views on the wider world. But if you just bare with me through the winter i think together we'll find the spring :)
Those fresh green shoots which slowly crawl through the soil to see the light. A metaphor i hope i can allure to. What a difference a day makes. Having applied for 10 jobs last night (one of which at macdonalds) and changing my desktop background to a picture of Brooke & Julian i suddenly feel 10 times better.
I am a great believer that those who try will succeed and that good things, eventually, will happen to good people. I have spent this morning trecking through the vast tangled and daunting jungle that some people call ucas.ac.uk. My quest to start the 2010 academic year at university is next on my agenda. My 2nd chance is within grasp and i intend to sieze it. I guess only time will tell
Friday, 18 September 2009
the winter of my discontent
"With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept"
This is the title of an episode of my favourite American teen drama- One Tree Hill. The quote is the lyric to a song by Explosions in the Sky. And today, as i write this, it seems quite fitting.
A day of dreams that ends in what is quite frankly peaceful disaster. Goodbyes are rarely pleasant in life, today i wished goodbye to three of my closest friends. And i felt their eager anticipation, nervous excitement and hope-filled energy. And it sorrowfully reminded me of the feeling i got exactly a year ago as i went to sleep for the last time in my own bed before embarking on the roller coaster journey that is freshers year.
I am happy for them, but their joy brings me a little sadness and remorse; for it signals the beginning of my year of isolation. Living a hollow life in-between two towns; travelling home to work 3 day weekends and then back to Sheffield to live in my decadent house. Living in the red on borrowed money; which feels like borrowed time. Today i blew £100 at the bookies. Remember what i said about short term goals? Another set back. Another anti-climax on my pursuit of sanity. A relapse, i think is the technical term. Why? I dont know.
It had started out on a beautiful day, one of only two days off work i enjoy this week. I had risen early in the unfamiliar morning to go uptown and have a coffee with my closest girl mate, Becky. It ended with Reece and Phil, slumped in an empty pub on a windswept Cleethorpe's coastline, £100 worse off. A visit to see my little sister raised the mood, she is reading one of the famous five adventures this week, how i wish my life was shuffled back to that innocent age of freedom. She wanted to play tennis with me tomorrow, i lazily declined.
I am a very moral person; one of my utmost beliefs is in a strong core of family and friends. While i feel, since establishing this moral compass in the past year, i have made greater efforts to be there for my friends, if not always entirely loyal to them, it is with my family where i have spectacularly failed. An only child until the age of 10 i should have thrived in the role of older brother. A responsibility i have guiltily slacked away from. There is so much i could have taught her, so many things i could have opened her eyes to and helped her enjoy. Instead i have been self-interested and utterly self-centered.
I often justify this with the fact that i am a teenager going through an emotional time, but there is a never a good time for anything in life. For those important things like friends and family you should always make time. Like i did for Becky when i sacrificed my cushy lie in and got up early today to go see her. I tell myself i will be a good father who brings up his son properly like i think a man should. Not just wave an empty cheque book and buy love like my father has done. But when i come to think about the kind of person i am right now- i am exactly the same as my father- a promiscuous, selfish, soulless mistake. I hope that by writing this blog and emptying my guilty mind i can somehow drag myself out of this self-pitying, pathetic corridor of despair.
This is the title of an episode of my favourite American teen drama- One Tree Hill. The quote is the lyric to a song by Explosions in the Sky. And today, as i write this, it seems quite fitting.
A day of dreams that ends in what is quite frankly peaceful disaster. Goodbyes are rarely pleasant in life, today i wished goodbye to three of my closest friends. And i felt their eager anticipation, nervous excitement and hope-filled energy. And it sorrowfully reminded me of the feeling i got exactly a year ago as i went to sleep for the last time in my own bed before embarking on the roller coaster journey that is freshers year.
I am happy for them, but their joy brings me a little sadness and remorse; for it signals the beginning of my year of isolation. Living a hollow life in-between two towns; travelling home to work 3 day weekends and then back to Sheffield to live in my decadent house. Living in the red on borrowed money; which feels like borrowed time. Today i blew £100 at the bookies. Remember what i said about short term goals? Another set back. Another anti-climax on my pursuit of sanity. A relapse, i think is the technical term. Why? I dont know.
It had started out on a beautiful day, one of only two days off work i enjoy this week. I had risen early in the unfamiliar morning to go uptown and have a coffee with my closest girl mate, Becky. It ended with Reece and Phil, slumped in an empty pub on a windswept Cleethorpe's coastline, £100 worse off. A visit to see my little sister raised the mood, she is reading one of the famous five adventures this week, how i wish my life was shuffled back to that innocent age of freedom. She wanted to play tennis with me tomorrow, i lazily declined.
I am a very moral person; one of my utmost beliefs is in a strong core of family and friends. While i feel, since establishing this moral compass in the past year, i have made greater efforts to be there for my friends, if not always entirely loyal to them, it is with my family where i have spectacularly failed. An only child until the age of 10 i should have thrived in the role of older brother. A responsibility i have guiltily slacked away from. There is so much i could have taught her, so many things i could have opened her eyes to and helped her enjoy. Instead i have been self-interested and utterly self-centered.
I often justify this with the fact that i am a teenager going through an emotional time, but there is a never a good time for anything in life. For those important things like friends and family you should always make time. Like i did for Becky when i sacrificed my cushy lie in and got up early today to go see her. I tell myself i will be a good father who brings up his son properly like i think a man should. Not just wave an empty cheque book and buy love like my father has done. But when i come to think about the kind of person i am right now- i am exactly the same as my father- a promiscuous, selfish, soulless mistake. I hope that by writing this blog and emptying my guilty mind i can somehow drag myself out of this self-pitying, pathetic corridor of despair.
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