Don't you want to share the pain?

5 months since i graced you with this blog! you must have missed me so. for the neutral peering into my life you must wonder where iv'e been. what iv'e done. whats been achieved. and my stomach lurches when i think of the past 5 months. Nobody said it was easy. But noone ever said it would be this hard. Lets roll back the years and look at what went wrong for James Fabregas since 2005......

2005- great year with friends. school is great
2006- april. college starts. gcse summer. good times with crew. new beginnings too
2007- college first year v.good. college mates briers, camel, mogg woods. etc..
2008- second year college and uni. on reflection 2005 and 2008 were the best years of my life
July 2008- Achieved countless UCAS points
August 2008- Had a great summer with friends
September- December 2008- Started uni. brilliant times
December 2008- Home for christmas. realised i had neglected old family and friends
January- March 2009- uni going well socially, been to a handful of lectures
March 2009- darkness.... quit uni, family find out, become newly single, rising debt, take job at wickes back
Summer 2009- actually quite good, make it back a little, work at wickes, family ok, although not speaking with father, ends after messing about 2 nice girls (i blame this on my failed relationships)
August 2009- Rich dies. someone i was becoming friends with and we had big hopes to enjoy sheffield together. truly gutted
September 2009- start this blog! come to sheff with reece and phil for interview for marketing job. we have a knob night and throw baguettes around my room and i dont turn up to interview. but i am HAPPY
September 2009- get a job at DSG International on the phones. its not ideal. but the money saves me. i start to get fat from no exercise and bad food. meet daryl. good mate
Sept-Dec 2009- have some good nights out. see alot of phil early on
Christmas 2009- have a great time with family but am only home for 1 week due to work. never the less have a good time with mates on xmas eve
New Years- dramatic night sets scene for 10' . dissapointing start
January 2010- actually good. nights out with woods. dont see phil much now, hes loveshacked. im happpy for him but dissapointed he doesnt make more effort with me and woods. but i remember how i was at uni and realise its the same. im happy for him
February 2010- 12 for 14 month with reece! sunshine underground, drunk, lose job. fall back into debt. go on the dole for the first time ever. happy though
March 2010- and darkness finds me. get a job with BT. the money will save me.
March-April 2010 - Lose £400 gambling. i have pressed self destruct. everytime i get back to a good plance i capitulate. the weather is getting better and i just want to run.

i have gone backwards from 2008 and feel like i have no direction. at the moment im contemplating going back to uni. have been accepted at university of west england in bristol to study law and politics. but dont feel worthy. this year seems key ... strong enough to change?

unknown

April 2010- start buying some politics books. read article on book called "hector and the search for happiness" by francois lelord, buy it. read it in one night. this is what it taught me :


Lesson no.1: Making comparisons can spoil your happiness

Lesson no.2: Happiness often comes when least expected

Lesson no.3: Many people see happiness only in their future

Lesson no.4: Many people think that happiness comes only from having more money or more power

Lesson no.5: Sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story

Lesson no.6: Happpiness is a long walk in beautiful, unfamiliar mountains

Lesson no.7: It's a mistake to think that happiness is the goal

Lesson no.8: Happiness is being with the people you love

Lesson no.8b: Unhappiness is being seperated from the people you love

Lesson no.9: Happiness is knowing your family lacks for nothing

Lesson no.10: Happiness is doing a job you love

Lesson no.11: Happiness is having a home and a garden of your own

Lesson no.12: It's harder to be happy in a country run by bad people

Lesson no.13: Happiness is feeling useful to others

Lesson no.14: Happiness is to be loved for exactly who you are

Observation: People are kinder to a child who smiles (very important)

Lesson no.15: Happiness comes when you feel truly alive

Lesson no.16: Happiness is knowing how to celebrate

Lesson no.17: Happiness is caring about the happiness of those you love

Lesson no.18: The sun and the sea make everybody happy


These lessons are reinforced if you read the book. It gave me some perspective. This summer is the most important of my life. I need to be mentally prepared to go to Bristol. I have 10 days left to decide between staying in Sheffield and going to Hallam or chosing Bristol. I think if i don't take a leap of faith now i may never do it. I don't know who i am. I found out a little last time i went to uni. As James Joyce once said, "Mistakes are the portals of discovery."

I hope i make more progress in the next 5 months. Because thats how long i have before uni starts. I've got to do this. I know the biggest regret of my life will be not trying to be something great. Even if i try and i fail. Thats ok. I want to be a journalist or a teacher or a lawyer or someone who helps people. I need to take this chance. So... Don't let life pass you by. You are the only barrier to your dreams. Take care xx