the superfluous culture of a cluttered world

Last week i wrote a to-do list! And, as something more important grabbed my attention, forgettably left it in my draw. Like so many other half started projects of mine it was consigned to that dust ridden draw for the rest of time..... until today when it was saved as i searched around frantically looking for a pen to scribble down the time of an interview i didn't actually go to (more on that later!)

As i read the messy scribbles of my cluttered mind as they appeared on this crumpled page i realised not a single one had been achieved. This time last week that little list of 10 things were the things i wanted to achieve most in the world, and the dreams that i held.

Had those desires changed in that past 7 days? Or had i allowed laziness, temptation and distraction to deceive my mind? It got me thinking and off i went onto a cloudy voyage on the bumpy road of life...

My inability to maintain an adequate level of focus on even the most simple of levels, i.e get my hair cut this week, (its still long and scraggly around the ears) was probably harnessing my ability to move forward in life and start to become the sort of successful person i dream about being. With me it is always "tomorrow", "one day", "soon" ... In the rare and dazey moments when i actually jump up and say "im doing this- and im doing it now" i am filled with a sense of self-purpose and that indescribable, pleasurable glowing feeling that makes it all worthwhile.

So why aren't i that successful person i want to be? And why, 7 days into the future, a mere 168 earth hours later, am i incapable of pursuing my goals?
And in a somewhat arrogant ridiculous way of sorts i have come to the convenient conclusion- i am a victim of my own success. The boy who could be anything- really struggles to choose anything. I could stand in a sandwich shop for 10minutes and be no nearer to choosing chicken or tuna. Making choices is something you simply have to be good at in this life. Failure to master this skill can be catastrophic- as iv'e found in recent years.

The "burden" of choice is now unprecedented and greater than at any time in history. No longer are the sons and daughters of England destined to follow in their fathers footsteps and take on the "family bakery" or run the fruit shop that's been passed down "through generations". 21st century society has removed the strangling binds and pressures to be somebody else- we are very much the masters of our own little destiny.

In the face of a choice of everything- and the influence of everyone; it is becoming increasingly difficult for even a well balanced, normal-ish, modern young adult to choose their path. When i left school everyone said i could be anything i wanted.... but that wasn't true- i couldn't even play a single note on any musical instrument you could name, i had awful hand-eye co-ordination, and despite having my fair share of success with the opposite sex, i wasn't exactly a looker. so that's a no to the indie-rock chart conquering idea, a no to being arsenal's new theo walcott, and a certain no to posing in my underwear for glossy magazines.

But the door was left open to almost any career i fancied......doctor, teacher, journalist, scientist, lawyer.....etc......... but what did my heart tell me to do? Well i knew what interested me- english and media. so i took those at A-level.....with law thrown in (admittedly just because three of my best friends wanted to take it) ... I left college in spring 2008 and had achieved A's in everything i had taken. I contemplated a gap-year, i even flirted with the possibility of going to Africa to gain some perspective, teach over there. It got as far as a telephone interview for 45mins with a charity volunteering co-ordinator. But just like that job interview i mentioned; i bottled it. So the easy choice. University. English language and linguistics was the course.

And a sorry story followed that i dont' wish to recall ... but today i stand ; one year later. No degree, but countless debt. No success, but unknown failure. No respect, but unreservedly castigated.....ahh the emotional treadmill i readily roll around daily; in a corridor of uncertainty that turned into a dark tunnel. The choice of everything is a hollow and empty promise. I am still cursed with an indecisive nature that prevents me from achieving things, i almost seem to purposefully push myself away from a dream, perhaps that will make it even sweeter when i get there.

I have recently come to rest upon this- that choice is not a burden, but an opportunity millions dream of; deep down i know i want to teach; and i know i want to write. These are the dreams i will follow, and in 5 years time i hope to write another blog to you with the ending to this story.....but for now.....i really need that haircut.
Carpe diem as my old head of year used to say, carpe diem. (and if you need to google that then go shoot yourself and preferabley shoot a certain mr. adeybayor while the guns still warm)